HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Relationships take work. Romantic love, the blush, the crush, lasts about 6 months, then wears off. Relationships often fail unless there is the maturity and commitment to work at solving the conflicts that arise in every relationship. In every area of life, if we want something of value, something rewarding and satisfying, we have to work for it. Athletes work hard, practice, get coaching, train, and strive daily for excellence. Professionals in every field spend not only years of study, but invest in on-going education to stay current and offer their best. So why do we think that successful relationships should just "happen" without any effort? Solid, healthy, long-lasting relationships require good relationship skills which can be learned. Just being in love isn't going to do it.
Characteristics of a healthy relationship:
Positive and supportive. Likes attract likes…. The healthier you are, the healthier you get, the healthier the boy/girlfriend you will attract.
Communication. Each can express feelings, talk about concerns or problems. Use “I” statements, and assertive communication. Respectfulness is always used in communication.
Honest. So trust can be built. No game playing.
Mutual. Two-way. Each gets opportunities to choose where to go, what to do, etc. No one “gives in” all the time to please the other or to keep the peace. Each gives and each receives. No one tries to dominate or control the other.
Each has other friends and spends time with them, and other interests, and spends time pursuing those interests. Neither is forced by the jealousy of the other to give up healthy activities or friends they care about. However, the relationship is a priority for both.
No manipulation. Neither guilt, threats, intimidation, nor withholding are used to manipulate or instill fear. Energy is not focused on trying to change the other’s behavior.
No violence. No verbal violence…such as yelling, insulting, put-downs, threats. No emotional violence…such as using information told during times of emotional vulnerability as “weapons”, no shaming. NO PHYSICAL VIOLENCE…neither is ever touched in anger. Non-consensual sexual contact is physical violence.
No addiction… when addiction is on the scene, the primary relationship is with the addictive substance or behavior. There can be no true intimacy.
Respectful. No one is asked to violate their values. Each person is allowed the freedom to change, and the freedom to say “No”. Their feelings and their dignity are respected. Fighting is fair.
Problems are faced and dealt with rather than ignored or allowed to fester. Each looks at their own contribution to problems in the relationship instead of always blaming the other for everything.
Healthy people do not stay in destructive relationships. Needy people use others to fill their sense of emptiness. They are saying, in effect, “I love you because I need you.” It may sound romantic, most of the pop songs and movies give the message that “true love” means “not being able to live without” someone. Maybe that’s why musicians, singers, and movie stars tend to have such short, troubled relationships.
In healthy relationships, people are emotionally healthy, have strong self esteem, can function well on their own, and seek someone, not to be complete them, but to love. They say, “I love you because you are unique. I have love to give, and I am worthy of receiving love.”
UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
The contrast to healthy relationships is codependent, controlling or abusive relationships. Let's look at codependency. Codependents are often not able to trust others, nor to be vulnerable and honest with them. Since these are qualities are necessary for a close healthy relationship, when codependents do form relationships, they tend to be unhealthy. Answer the questions below to check on the health of your relationship.
Are you co-dependent?
________I must be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.
________I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behaviors over my own.
________I agree with others so they will like me.
________I focus my attention on protecting others.
________I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
________I keep score of “good deeds and favors”, becoming hurt when they are not repaid.
________I am very skilled at guessing how other people are feeling.
________I can anticipate others’ needs and desires, meeting them before they are articulated.
________I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
________I am calm and efficient in other people’s crisis situations.
________I feel good about myself only when I am helping others.
________I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
________I put aside my own interests and concerns in order to do what others want.
________I ask for help and nurturing only when I am ill, and then reluctantly.
________I cannot tolerate seeing others in pain.
________I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
________I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
________I attempt to convince others of how they “truly” think and “should” feel
________I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others
________I assume responsibility for others’ feelings and behaviors
________I feel guilty about others’ feelings and behaviors
________I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling
________I have difficulty expressing feelings
________I am afraid of my anger, yet sometimes erupt in a rage
________I worry how others may respond to my feelings, opinions, and behaviors
________I have difficulty making decisions
________I am afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others.
________I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same
________I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel
________I am afraid to express differing opinions or feelings
________I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own
________I put other people’s needs and desires before mine.
________I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts
________I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never “good enough”
________I am a perfectionist
________I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long
________I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires
________I do not perceive myself as a lovable and worthwhile person
________I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger
No one is perfect, and there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. However, the more "yes" answers you have, the greater the number of red flags. Counseling can help you clarify the kind of relationship you want and help you work on yourself so you can move closer to you goal.
Personal counseling is free for Manor College students. If you'd like to speak confidentially with a professional counselor, drop in the Counseling Office, or make an appointment in the little hall leading to the Career Center.